05 Dec Dealing With Grief Around the Holidays

Grief Around the Holidays

With the holiday season approaching, many families struggle with grief. Whether it is foster children longing for their birth family or vice versa, a loss of a family member, separation from a loved one whom they cannot spend the holidays with, and so on. The holidays are hard for many, and one of the important things to know is how to recognize and handle grief.

As caregivers of children who have experienced trauma, it may be difficult to distinguish the overlap between trauma and grief. Children may exhibit behaviors that look like trauma responses, when they are really experiencing grief. It is important to understand the difference and how to handle it.

According to Children’s Aid Society, grief and pain longs to be validated, understood, witnessed, acknowledged, in community, expressed, and addressed. 

If we don’t acknowledge our pain and simply choose to just “push forward,” it will remain trapped inside. It will continue to manifest and change our lives. Just like any pain, grief wants others to say “me too.” This creates validation and understanding which is necessary for the process. 

Saying “me too” also calls for community, providing emotional and social support in a time where many feel isolated. Someone experiencing grief often feels they are alone in their experience. Community allows pain to be expressed, addressed, and witnessed.

Grief is a transformation. It is to go from one way of being to another. It is a complex experience, and not just an emotional one, but a mental, physical, social, and spiritual experience, too. Expression and validation of grief allows them to put their pain somewhere instead of keeping it trapped inside, preventing healing. Avoiding grief and pain can cause isolation. The one experiencing grief may know what is going on, but lack answers and understanding that could be discovered through conversation. 

What does a child, or anyone, need during their experience with grief? Healthy coping mechanisms:

Some children may exhibit behavior during grief that often looks like trauma responses. Coping skills and mechanisms can be useful for either. Some practices include:

• Box breathing (4x4x4x4)
• Spending time outdoors (nature bathing: don’t go through the woods, be in the woods, be present in the moment with nature surroundings)
• Getting exercise (physical activity of any kind that releases dopamine and endorphins while it also gives purpose and regeneration) 
• Name your senses (3 things you can see, touch, hear, smell, and taste, regulates anxiety and stress)

There are many tactics to help regulate stress, anxiety, and many other symptoms of grief. 

They also need to feel a sense of control over their choices, lifestyle, and what happens around them. They need to be nurtured, validated, assured, supported, unconditionally loved, and given the truth. Do not try to sugarcoat their experience, their pain, or the situation. When children or individuals experiencing grief are not spoken to with honesty, it can leave them feeling isolated and alone.

What can a family do to offer support?

Help a child feel a sense of belonging. They may feel lost in their identity and need to know they belong and have purpose. This can be done by giving them roles and responsibilities in the home which will show how their place in the family is important. 

Anyone – especially foster children – experiencing life change that brings grief may lack a sense of security. Developing rituals and routines can provide consistency that brings comfort and meets the need for stability. 

Have conversations about expectations and values. Talking about what to expect during and after sudden life changes can ease anxiety and provide a sense of stability. This can also help them develop a problem-solving mindset when faced with life’s harsh challenges. 

What is the environment and atmosphere of the home? Think about what temperature your family dynamic is set on. For foster children, moving from one home to another can change the temperature of the home and how they feel in it. Is the home warm and loving, calm and stable, chaotic and cold? 

Have a positive parent-child and parent-parent dynamic. If the child feels uncomfortable or unsafe when needing support through difficult times, it may be hard for them to lean on loved ones and seek help. 

You may have heard that there are five to seven stages of grief, but there are so many other layers that come along with it. Treat grief like it is a wound. You clean it, tend to it, watch over it, seek help if it gets worse, and repeat. Sometimes wounds reopen just as they begin to heal, and the whole process starts over. Grief can sometimes be no different, but with patience and unconditional love, the wounds will heal. That is why it is so important to give the wound of grief what it needs when it needs it: validation, understanding, to be witnessed, acknowledgement, within a community for support, expression, and to be addressed. 

Grief does not mean someone is broken and needs to be fixed, but their lives have been shattered and need to adapt to a new way of living. Finding the balance between the reality of loss and reengaging with life will help the transition to a place of safety and stabilization. 

Remember to be patient, especially with a child who has yet to understand themselves, who they are meant to be, their emotions, and develop an understanding of reality. Just as you must be patient with their healing from trauma, you must be equally patient with their healing from grief. 

During the holidays, many feel an empty hole missing from someone they have lost or do not get to spend the holiday with. It is important to know the signs of someone grieving, and open your arms, hearts, and doors to them. Notice what a child needs during grief. Through the gifts of patience, unconditional love, validation, security and stability, and communication, someone experiencing grief is more likely to find their journey through healing.

Note: Much of the above information was taken from a webinar hosted by the Children’s Aid Society: Adolescent and Childhood Grief Part 2: The Role of Caregivers & Supportive Aid.