Life as a Foster Mom Part 2

15 Apr Life as a Foster Mom Part 2

Let’s Get Real about the Foster System.

What things did or did not help during the fostering process? 

Some providers aren’t helpful, especially if you don’t know who to talk to. I have been very careful who I’m going to seek help from. I want them to be trauma informed and have a background dealing with trauma. I want them to be Christian-based, because that’s where my faith is. Knowing who is safe, informed, and who to listen to are what is important for me.

I’ve had some workers that treat the process like it’s a box to check off. The baby is alive, everything is good, off I go. It can feel like they don’t care how you are doing or the stability of the child’s wellbeing. 

I have experienced a lot of caseworker turnover. Most of the time we knew more than the caseworker because their caseload was so high and they were switching to new cases frequently. It scares you when you think the information you get from them is accurate, only to find out later it wasn’t because the caseworker was not updated accurately on the information.

If you could change or add something to the fostering process that could’ve helped you or others, what would it be? 

I wish DHR would stick to their word. They don’t. I don’t know if that is intentional or not, but they sometimes don’t give accurate information about the child or family. I want them to stick to a certain time frame of one year to look for permanency, whether that be family or not. Let’s not wait a whole year before we try to find a family who can take the child in permanently. 

They also don’t follow through and set the birth family up for success. They make them drug test two hours away from home, sometimes out of their own expense. Yet, they want them to have a job, make it to visits, and meet all the requirements but don’t provide the aid and support to achieve reunification as soon as possible. There needs to be more urgency. Yes, we need to give the family plenty of time to turn their life around, but let’s still stick to deadlines, milestones, and do what it takes to help these birth families succeed. At the least, help get the child a safe and loving home sooner than later.

What helped you during the fostering process?

My faith in God and His ability to work in any and all situations for the good is what helps me stay resilient through fostering.

When you get a good worker, it makes a huge difference. We’ve had some awesome people show up. What determines a good worker is they are people who follow through, tell the truth, if they can’t do something they say it, show they care, and you can see and feel that the worker cares about the child. They at least try, even if they fail. Knowing that they’re trying makes a huge difference.

Can you offer some advice for parenting children with trauma?

If you made a decision to help a child but haven’t been able to meet their needs, there may come a point where you’re feeling like a failure more than a winner. Understand that letting go is okay. God has provided for that kid and has a plan for them. You don’t have to be the answer to their problem. Many parents feel guilty and afraid to say no when they are not equipped to meet that child’s needs. We often feel like we have a savior complex; “If I don’t do this, then who will?” But that’s not trusting God. 

My hardest time was when I had to let go of a kid because I couldn’t meet their needs. It became the time I learned the most. It taught me that I did what I was supposed to do for the time that the child was with me, and God had everything lined up for that kid moving forward. If you are faithful in saying yes to taking in a child under your care, you have to be faithful in saying no if it’s for their best interest. Let them get to a place where someone is ready and equipped to meet their needs. It is the hardest part of the process.

Find someone who understands what it is like to parent or help children who have experienced trauma and foster care. I drove an hour and a half to get to a counselor to get help for a child. Pray for community. I want my kids to grow up in a community with peers that look like them and where they are from.

Some advice for others interested in getting involved with the foster system:

My husband said this to me when we first thought about being foster parents: “What does it hurt to take the training classes?” Take the classes. That’s a good filter of whether you’re really in it or not. They are going to say stuff that scares you. The classes are very helpful to give a picture of what it might be like and if your heart is still there to become a foster parent afterwards, then you keep moving forward. If you’re not feeling it, then don’t do it. You can get involved in a different way. There are plenty of ways to offer support to foster families or group homes that foster. (See Part 3 for more info).

Final Thoughts:

Don’t decide on being a foster parent based on the pros and cons. Do it because you feel called to help out a child or family in need. Once you fall in love with a kid, your life will change forever. You will welcome all the good, the bad, and the ugly if that is what it takes to do whatever you can for that child. Take the classes, keep moving forward if that is what you feel led to do, and if foster parenting or adoption is not for you, there are other ways to get involved to help out your local foster care community. (See Part 3 for more info).