15 Apr Life of a Foster Mom Part 1
The Foster World is Not in a Land Far Far Away…
Tell me about yourself…
I am a foster and adoptive mom. I have been fostering for 8 years. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve seen children struggle to find safe and loving homes. I’ve seen children become products of their environments, face struggles and situations beyond their control, and be forced to fight battles for the rest of their lives that they never should’ve had to. I wanted to provide for children what I was fortunate enough to have – a permanent, loving home with a family that prioritized my well-being and safety.
What led you to wanting to become a foster/adoptive parent?
When I got older and worked at a camp while in the process of adopting, there was a girl there that had been abused by her family members. I didn’t know what the whole case was, but I did know she was struggling and I called the Department of Human Resources (DHR) that day. Sadly, my family could not be a resource for the girl at the same time as adopting, so we were unable to take her into our care. Once we had adopted, we began getting licensed to be foster parents as soon as we could. If we couldn’t be a resource for that little girl, we could at least be one for other kids like her.
What was the process like to become a foster and adoptive parent?
We started with Lifeline Children’s Services for the adoption process. Our training had been so thorough with Lifeline that I didn’t feel like I needed a middle-man (agency) to communicate for me to DHR for fostering. That won’t be the case for everyone, though. I didn’t go through an agency for fostering because I didn’t want someone else deciding what children to bring me for placement. I wanted to be the one answering the calls while being on the front line of foster care. Instead, I googled places that said, “if you want to be a foster parent, send an email,” and, “how to become a foster parent in Alabama.” (See more on part 3).
We started taking foster parent training classes in the summer of 2016. We went through 9 weeks of classes provided by DHR. I will say, their training is not as intense and thorough as Lifeline, and did not prepare me for fostering like they did. Classes finished in August and DHR did our home study in November. We then got licensed and received our first home placement by the end of December.
Since I’m the one answering phone calls to approve or deny a child’s placement in my home, I experience a lot of heartbreak. Hearing the children’s stories and being the one to determine whether they have my home to come to or not is hard. At the same time, I am grateful I get to hear about these kids because even if I won’t be able to open my home to them, I can pray to God and say, “I know there are 3 children that are scared and have been through a lot. I pray for them and for whoever is able to say yes to them.” In that way, I am blessed I still get to be a part of their journey, even if I’ll never meet them.
We decided to only take in 0-2 year olds. We have taken a teen in once because she was related to my adopted child. We picked that age range because our children were 5, 4, and 2 at the time and we wanted the foster children to fall underneath their ages. We also feel in our heart we are at our best with babies. I know that’s not the case for everyone, but it is for us.
What has your experience fostering and adopting children been like?
As I mentioned before, we adopted before fostering, and I have been a foster parent through DHR for 8 years since then. We have fostered around 17 children in our home. We only do 1 at a time so that each kid can feel like we give them everything we’ve got during the time they are with us. I’ve seen two family reunifications and one adoption during my time as a foster parent, which was so heartwarming to see.
We treat and feel like the kids that come into our home are OURS. I say, “this is my daughter or son,” until God says differently. They are forever in my heart in that role. I am always praying for them and their protection wherever they go after leaving our home. Seeing my kids have that same mindset is just awesome because they love so deeply for others.
Seeing the way my children and family love people who don’t look like them is so powerful. It makes me proud of them and proud to be a part of a loving foster family. It is a team effort. We have team meetings where everyone must unanimously agree to a placement before we say yes. It is nice to have such strong and connected support in our home for these children coming in.
Our adoption with our daughter was awesome. She didn’t require all of the use of information and resources we gained from training. With adopting internationally, you can’t always know who the family is. They’re not always legally allowed to put their child up for adoption. We don’t get to know her sibling history, age, family history, or anything like that. As she’s gotten bigger, around the time our first foster child left our home, she asked me, “Why aren’t my eyes like yours?” She was so upset about it. I told her she looks like her birth mom and dad. Seeing her heartbreak so young has made me inclined to reach out for more details on the babies’ history as they come in.
How do you handle trauma with foster and adoptive children?
Many parents may think that a young child of 0-2 will not come into a home with trauma and struggles, but that is not true. One child we took in required medication because she was having withdrawals due to utero addiction, so she required more from us. My younger son has had a lot of challenges since he came in, and still does, because of his time in utero and the trauma that was passed down generationally. I was unaware of how much trauma can affect a child that was never in their birth family’s home. (See Part 3 for more info on finding resources for trauma-impacted children).
Many people don’t have an understanding of what trauma is.
These children need a lot of connection. I feel like my son needs constant reassurance to know I’m not leaving him, and that no matter what mistakes he makes, I love him unconditionally. It’s like the second he thinks that something has possibly disrupted that connection with me, he’s scared. I’m not going to put him in a timeout for something like that. I’m going to comfort him and tell him I love him. This is something these children consciously need to be aware of to know how to get their needs met in a healthy way throughout their life. That’s not a bad thing. We all have those types of needs to be met.
It’s taught my family how to be more honest about how we feel and to be more self-aware. I realize sometimes, “wow, I didn’t know I had this much in common with my very angry or upset child.” It helps me be compassionate with him because when I’m scared, yeah, I get mad too.
Final thoughts:
Take the classes and see how you could be a resource for someone. Even if it’s just for one child. If you can show up for just one kid, we wouldn’t have so many parents housing 16 teenagers in an unstable home because it’s the only place available to take them in. Your nextdoor neighbor could be someone in need of help. The fostering world is not some distant place. It could be in your neighborhood, church, school, or even someone you meet at camp that is in need of support or care. Once you get involved and fall in love with a child, you’ll have no other desire but to go all in. And these children need that. Everyone needs people that love them and not everyone is lucky enough to have that.
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