Suicide Prevention Month Part 2: Testimonial

I struggled with suicidal thoughts at a young age. After going through various Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), it would be an understatement to say I struggled with mental health. I had depression, anxiety, PTSD, struggled with self harm and suicidal ideation. My grandparents were not trauma-informed at first, so dealing with these struggles were much more difficult at first. It made it hard for them to understand what was going on with me. It was not until later when we learned more about mental health and got trauma-informed that I was able to get the needs I had met.

At the time, I often had thoughts of ending my life. I felt hopeless and isolated myself a lot. I found moments I would try to cry for help before the thoughts would get too loud.

I thought, “Maybe if people notice, I'll get their attention and the help I need. Maybe they will see that my pain is real.”

Something about mental health and trauma is that no one sees the damage. It is a psychological wound. So, I sought out ways for it to be seen externally - either by hurting myself or acting out. I did anything to show the world that I was hurt and to take me seriously. I wanted them to see my pain. I went through so much and felt expected to just, “get over it,” and to “move on.”

Eventually, it got so bad that I thought about different ways I could take my life. It mostly happened at night when I would lie in bed all alone with my thoughts:

“Would anyone miss me?”

“Maybe then they would finally see what I went through and saw how bad it was.”

“They should’ve taken me seriously.”

“There’s no hope. My life will feel like this forever. The pain is too much and it will never end.”

That sense of “forever” is something I notice a lot of people say - that it will always be this way. You can get so overwhelmed with the pain that it can feel like it will last forever. That idea is a lie. It just feels that way right now because it is a long journey through it, but there is an end to the tunnel where you will see the light again.

During my times of hopelessness, there were a few things that I held on for. My younger sisters needed me. I had always been there to take care of them and they relied on me. I also felt like no one else could care for them better than me. The other anchor I had to ground me was faith. Despite my pain and my anger, I still believed that my Lord and Savior had a reason for all I had been through. I knew somehow, some way, it was all for something. I did not like that I had to be the one to go through it, but I hated the thought of never finding out what He had in store for me even more.

Finding Purpose

A huge thing that invokes hopelessness is feeling like you lack purpose. As much as I wondered why I had to go through everything I did, and as much as I felt like giving up hope, I never could. For a while, sports and friends were my reason for getting up every morning, but when I found my true purpose, it all made sense. I had been mentoring and helping people through their struggles my whole life.

First it was my sisters, then my friends, other loved ones, and I often thought about helping people through my writing and story telling. That was it - help others through their pain! I could use what I had been through to help others navigate their trauma and healing journeys.

I could say I wish my life had been different, but then I would not have this purpose that allows me to make a difference and connect with others every day. That is why God let me go through everything I did. He was training a warrior, a soldier to lead others through their battles just as I have my own. Once I found my purpose, I had a reason to get up every morning and keep fighting my every day battles. It is not easy, and it is an everyday challenge. I often have to forgive myself and give myself grace on the days that seem more difficult than others. But just as I had to learn, you CAN do this. The only one stopping you, is you.

Many kids do not have something that gives them a reason to wake up every morning. Even when kids are struggling, if they are involved in something or have a passion that drives them, they are able to keep going a bit stronger than others that do not. Get your kids into extra-curriculars, encourage their passions and interests, and help them form connections with their peers so they have a support system. Without simple joys in life, I would not feel very hopeful either. But there is no joy without pain, or else nothing would ever be worth celebrating.

Remember that you are not alone, and you do not have to be alone. You have a purpose and you are worth way more than anything that has ever been done to you. You can take back what is yours. You are resilient and stronger than you think. Please reach out for help if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or having thoughts about suicide.