National Adoption Month Part 2

03 Dec National Adoption Month Part 2

This is part 2 of our National Adoption Month Series. This part of a young woman’s testimony with adoption shares the experience of integrating with a new family, dealing with trauma, managing new dynamics between parents and kids, and finding healing through it all. 

It was hard integrating with a new family at first. I suddenly had two brothers. I got thrust into a very social family. There was no easing into it. I was instantly introduced as, “this is our daughter.” It was overwhelming for sure, but I think it helped me in the long run. 

One of my brothers was in the same grade as me, so I was the new strange girl in his house to all his friends. It was harder making friends because everyone knew my adoptive family well and I was the new weird girl coming in. I picked extracurricular activities like show choir, FFA, and played golf on into college, so I found friends through my own sports and activities. I never had the money growing up to do the sports I wanted so when I got the chance, I tried everything I could until I found what I loved. 

It took some time for me to feel like I was truly part of the family. I remember one day I walked past my family in the kitchen and got a cup out of the cabinet and for the first time…I didn’t ask for it beforehand. Normally, I would ask if I could get something before grabbing it myself. But this time I walked in like the place was mine and got my cup ever so confidently. Everyone looked at me like a deer in the headlights. It was like it was my kitchen, my cabinet, for the first time since I moved in. Not long after that, they painted my room, I got to redecorate, and get new furniture to make it my room. 

Learning family dynamics did not come without difficulties. I did carry some trauma with me and my adoptive parents had to learn how to parent a child with difficulties. I hoarded food, I could not keep my room clean, and I had a problem with anger and self harm. My adoptive parents would try to discipline me in a way they disciplined their children, which came off to me like an attack. It was hard for them to understand that it may be a simple request for them, but for me, it was like an insult. 

They would see a messed up pile of clean clothes in my room and they would say, “Hey, I just did all that laundry. Can you please clean that up?” 

What I heard was, “Your room is a mess. You don’t know how to clean it and you’re just like your parents.”

We eventually had a big fight about my room not being clean. I went to therapy the next day and talked about it with my therapist. She helped me look at things from my parents perspective. 

She made a point, “You have lived in anger and fighting your whole life. You don’t know any different.”

She told me to take a second and listen to the words my parents were saying, to try not to read into it and take it out of context. She said to go home and explain to them what it is like from my perspective so they could understand me, too. It took some time for all of us to understand one another. We had to be cautious with our wording and it took time with each one of us walking on eggshells, but we eventually got to the point of understanding one another. It was through no fault of their own. It was just the way my brain worked at the time. A lot of foster parents think they are doing something wrong, but really it is just how a child perceives it because of the environment they are used to. 

I also had trust issues with my adoptive parents when we would fight. I would think if I crossed the line to the point of wondering if they would give me up too. They had to get through to me that they would not give me up over a fight or me messing up. Once it stopped feeling like fight or flight every five seconds things started to get better. 

There will always be insecurities and self esteem problems from the trauma I endured as a child. In my head, my biological parents gave me up. I know it is not my fault, but as a kid, I naturally felt that. I had a problem with food instability. I would steal and hide food because of a  fear that we would run out. It took me some time to comprehend that I was safe and going to be okay. It took me a while to get out of the survival skills instincts. 

I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. The ones I did have had similar stories to mine. It was difficult to adjust to having friends that had “healthy” or “normal” lives. I had to rewire my brain to not protect myself with defense mechanisms, like pushing them away over something that felt off to me. I know I still have problems with relationships where I often think, “Do they love me or are they lying? When are they going to show me who they really are?” 

At first, I was stubborn and didn’t want to work on healing from my trauma. But I started doing some self reflecting, reading books, I went to therapy for a little bit, and along the way, at a certain point, I decided that I didn’t want to live a life like my parents did. I thought about what kind of future I wanted and reflected on what kind of mom and wife I wanted to be for my future family compared to how my parents were. I would like to give my family what I never had. 

For those who are going through or have been through a similar situation with trauma, foster care, or adoption, don’t be afraid to trust people. Even if you have seen the worst side of what life has to offer, there are always good people out there who are willing to support you and love you. When you do find them, be willing to trust them. 

Something I wish I could say to the younger version of me is: It’s not your fault. It is your parent’s first time living. They are humans and make mistakes. Do not hold responsibility for what they did. Don’t feel guilty for them not doing what they were supposed to do. 

For me, growing up in poverty, going from living in that with my biological parents to going on having whatever I want with going on vacations and such, I felt guilty that my parents couldn’t experience this. I felt like I didn’t deserve it. If someone else is feeling like that, don’t. I realized my parents are their own people and made their own choices. They may not have the opportunity to live the life I did, but they had the choice to better their lives and they chose not to.

For those thinking about adopting, my advice is before you go on this journey, think about why you are doing it. If you are doing it for the right reasons of going all in and loving that child unconditionally and to try your best for them, you are on your way to having a family that is full of love and happiness. If you are not fully prepared to go into it for those reasons, maybe wait and take a look at your motivations. If you are ready, it will be challenging, but it will be one of the most rewarding things you have ever done. There are plenty of deserving children out there that would love to have a family that will make them feel safe and wanted. If you can provide that, go for it! 

It is going to be challenging sometimes, from both the adoptive parent and adoptive child side. There is going to be a life, memories, and experiences that a child has been through that the parent is not going to be able to comprehend. Even when you get to the point where you want to scream and leave, remember you all love each other, you have gotten this far, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.