Breaking Down the Walls of Mental Health

21 May Breaking Down the Walls of Mental Health

Do you ever get the feeling that someone you know and love is struggling with something, but you don’t want to pry before they are ready to talk about it, while equally scared to overlook the issue? I think many people can relate to that. It is so common for a child to be struggling with mental health, especially in the foster system. But what do you do? If you ask, they deny it. If you pry too much, they may push you away or act out. If you ignore it, they struggle alone and feel overlooked. It is a complicated battle. It can often feel like a lose-lose situation. 

Here is a story of what this struggle can look like:

There was a pair of sisters. The oldest named Caroline, and the youngest named Sabrina. They had both been through trauma, abuse, and neglect. They were put through the foster system and were split up. They still stayed in contact and visited each other over the years. Eventually, when Caroline got older and became an adult, the sisters reconnected. Even though Caroline did extensive work on her mental health to heal from everything she went through, Sabrina was still having a tough time in her teenage years. She was isolating herself, not eating, having emotional outbursts, and would not talk about what was going on. 

Every time Caroline asked her to open up, “How are you doing? Are you alright?”

Sabrina would shut down or make jokes to avoid facing the reality of her situation, “So school…,” in an attempt to reroute the conversation.  

“No, I mean how are you doing, really?” Caroline would try to sound as empathetic as possible so her sister knew how much she cared. 

Sabrina loved giving a non-answer to a question, “I’m doing. Does that count?”

“Is there anything you want to talk about? Or is there anything I can do to help?”

Sabrina would then distract Caroline by changing the subject. She always told her big sister everything, knowing she would always feel safe and would be taken care of. Even that had changed between them. Caroline tried many ways to get Sabrina to open up, but she wouldn’t. She spent time with her little sister, called and checked in, sent loving, inspirational messages every day, and tried to open up topics of conversation that might bring Sabrina to open up. Nothing seemed to be working. 

Caroline felt helpless and unsure of how to get her little sister the help she needed. No amount of advice or support was helping. She poured all her energy out into prayer over her sister. She could feel Sabrina slipping away from her fingertips as her mental health declined. Stuck with a closed door between them, and Sabrina holding the key to its lock, Caroline tried everything to break through. She agonized over the thought of losing Sabrina to the war inside her. 

The only way Caroline could be sure her little sister felt like she had support was to check in with texts and calls, offer a listening ear, express concerns, offer advice if she was willing to hear it, and try to be a positive outlet for her. Whenever Caroline pushed too hard, Sabrina would shut down. If Caroline wasn’t around enough, her little sister felt alone in her fight with mental health. 

Caroline felt helpless and hopeless. She knew what her little sister was going through based on her own experience, so she wasn’t surprised with how Sabrina was reacting. Still, Caroline thought that after going through the same thing, she would be able to help Sabrina in ways no one else could. Unfortunately, it was like nothing would be enough to get through to her. Caroline eventually had to turn to a professional for guidance. 

See Part 2 for professional mental health advice from Debra Patterson, clinical psychologist at Children’s of Alabama and Cindy Jones, Director of Psychiatric Intake Response Center at Children’s of Alabama.

Takeaway:

In the foster system, this situation is all too common, but Caroline never gave up on herself, or her sister. Sabrina is still struggling, but is holding on. With all the resources and support she has, there is a much higher chance she will make it through. It will be a bumpy, nonlinear journey, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Caroline made it her mission to be an essential part of making sure Sabrina sees that light, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes. 

Sometimes, just having a loving, safe, supportive person is enough. Sometimes, they need more. But never give up, no matter how hopeless or difficult it gets. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want someone to give up on you at your worst? Remember, whether you are struggling or helping someone during a difficult time, you are not alone.